"If it's not on a napkin, it's not science." — Gary, 2004
âš CLASSIFICATION LEVEL: FLATTENED âš
The following documents represent the COMPLETE body of Gary's research, transcribed from the original napkins. The napkins themselves are stored in a climate-controlled Rubbermaid bin in Gary's garage. Mr. Flattington guards the bin. He takes this responsibility seriously.
These documents have been peer-reviewed by exactly one (1) peer: Mr. Flattington. He sat on each napkin for approximately 4 minutes, which Gary considers "thorough peer review." Any napkin the cat sat on for LESS than 4 minutes was discarded as "insufficiently truthful."
Author: Gary
Date: Sometime in 2004
Journal: The Denny's Napkin Quarterly (self-published, circulation: 1)
Peer Review Status: Cat-approved
This paper presents findings from a longitudinal self-study (n=1) conducted over 14 months at various Denny's locations in the greater Tulsa metropolitan area. The subject (me, Gary) consumed Pop-Tarts in controlled quantities and recorded perceptual changes related to the apparent shape of the Earth. Results indicate a statistically significant (p < I don't know what p means) correlation between even-numbered Pop-Tart consumption and the ability to perceive planetary flatness.
Pop-Tarts were purchased from Walmart (before the ban) in boxes of 8 (4 packets). Each experiment followed this protocol:
TRIAL | QTY | TOASTED? | FLAVOR | HORIZON OBSERVATION ======|=====|==========|=====================|================================ 1 | 2 | No | Strawberry Frosted | "Looks flatter than usual" 2 | 3 | No | Strawberry Frosted | "Looks normal. Disappointing." 3 | 4 | No | Strawberry Frosted | "FLAT. DEFINITELY FLAT." 4 | 4 | Yes | Strawberry Frosted | "VERY flat. Can almost see the edge." 5 | 1 | No | Brown Sugar Cinnamon| "Round. Sad." 6 | 2 | No | Brown Sugar Cinnamon| "FLAT. Flatter than trial 1???" 7 | 2 | Yes | Brown Sugar Cinnamon| "THE FLATTEST. I can hear it." 8 | 6 | No | Mixed | "I am one with the horizon." 9 | 5 | No | Mixed | "Lost the feeling. Angry." 10 | 6 | Yes | Brown Sugar Cinnamon| "I saw the ice wall. I cried." 11 | 2 | No | Wild Berry | "Nothing. This flavor is a lie." 12 | 8 | Yes | Brown Sugar Cinnamon| [napkin is stained with tears]
The data speaks for itself. Even = flat. Odd = globe. Toasted = amplified. Brown Sugar Cinnamon = maximum signal. Wild Berry = government sabotage. Trial 12 was the most significant scientific event since the discovery of fire, which was also flat (flames go UP, not in a CURVE).
Sample size is 1. Gary acknowledges this but argues that "1 is enough when you're right." Also some napkins were accidentally used to clean up coffee spills, which may have affected data integrity. Also the Denny's waitress started recognizing Gary and asking if he was "okay" which introduced a confounding variable of self-consciousness.
Author: Gary (with contributions from Mr. Flattington, who knocked 3 flavors off the counter during testing)
Date: 2010
Journal: Proceedings of Gary's Kitchen Table
Peer Review Status: The cat pushed the Wild Berry box onto the floor, which Gary considers a "strong peer review finding"
Following 7 years of field research, this paper presents a comprehensive ranking of Pop-Tart flavors by their ability to enable flat Earth perception. The Flavor Potency Index (FPI) was developed using a rigorous methodology of "eating them and seeing what happens."
Author: Gary
Date: 2013
Journal: Gary's Bathroom Mirror (he taped the napkin to it)
Peer Review Status: Gary reviewed it himself in the mirror. He approved.
This paper documents the discovery of the 47-minute "Pastry Half-Life" — the window during which flat Earth perception remains active after consuming an even number of Pop-Tarts.
Gary consumed 4 Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts (toasted) and then timed how long the flat Earth perception lasted using a kitchen timer shaped like a chicken. (He would have preferred a flat timer but "they don't make those, because THEY don't want you timing the truth.")
TIME AFTER | PERCEPTION LEVEL | GARY'S NOTES CONSUMPTION | | ===============|===========================|================================ 0 min | MAXIMUM FLATNESS | "I can see everything." 5 min | STRONG | "Still very flat." 10 min | STRONG | "Flat as Kansas. Flatter." 15 min | MODERATE-STRONG | "Slightly less flat? No. Still flat." 20 min | MODERATE | "Okay maybe slightly less. Eating another." 25 min | STRONG (after 5th tart) | "Wait that's odd. 5. Oh no." 26 min | NONE | "GLOBE MODE. I RUINED IT." 27 min | STRONG (ate 6th) | "BACK. EVEN AGAIN. CRISIS AVERTED." 35 min | MODERATE | "Fading." 40 min | WEAK | "The horizon is starting to look suspicious." 45 min | MINIMAL | "Almost gone." 47 min | NONE | "It's over. Globe mode. The chicken timer rang." 48 min | NONE | "Eating more. Starting over."
The Pastry Half-Life is exactly 47 minutes. Not 46. Not 48. 47. Gary tested this 31 times. It is always 47. The number 47 appears everywhere once you start looking. There are 47 globe manufacturers in the US. "47" has 2 digits, which is EVEN. 4 + 7 = 11, which is ODD, which represents the ENEMY. But 4 x 7 = 28, which is EVEN, which represents TRUTH. Gary has an entire napkin dedicated to the numerology of 47. It is his most stained napkin.
Author: Gary
Date: 2006
Journal: A napkin that was stuck to Gary's shoe
Peer Review Status: Mr. Flattington sat on it for 7 minutes (longest review on record)
Gary discovered that standing on his LEFT foot while eating Pop-Tarts increases perception by approximately 12%. Standing on the RIGHT foot decreases it by 8%. Gary's theory: "The left side of the body is closer to the heart. The heart pumps TRUTH. The right side is closer to... the other stuff. The globe stuff."
Gary cannot explain why this works. He has tried. The napkin has a lot of crossed-out words and one drawing of a foot with a question mark next to it. Mr. Flattington's 7-minute review is interpreted as strong validation.
NOTE: Standing on BOTH feet produces baseline results. Sitting reduces perception by 3% unless you are sitting on a flat surface, which is all surfaces, because all surfaces are on the flat Earth. Gary realized this circular logic (NOT circular — FLAT logic) and had to lie down.
The following papers exist in napkin form but have not been transcribed due to legibility issues (coffee stains, tears, cat paw prints, and in one case, what appears to be mustard):
© 2003-FOREVER | DYSTOPIAN PAIN | All research conducted on napkins from various Denny's, Waffle Houses, and one IHOP that Gary "doesn't count"
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